The Longhousing of Sexiest Man Alive

Let's just stop reproducing

This is a Carousel guest piece, part of EWOMAN WEEK, by baby g

The Longhouse prevails in strange ways. 

People Magazine’s 2023 Sexiest Man Alive has been announced. And no, it’s not Jacob Elordi. The crowd boos. It’s Patrick Dempsey! Crickets. This caps off a year of masculine neutering and completely sexless male celebrities. How did we get here? We must study the Longhousing of the Sexiest Man Alive.

Not only has no one thought about Patrick Dempsey in years, but he’s aged, washed up, and generally unerotic. Sure, he played neurosurgeon Derek “McDreamy” Shepherd on ABC’s Grey's Anatomy and drove race cars nearly a decade ago, but now he’s 57 and has adult children. And apparently a cancer foundation. Cool.

Upon hearing the news, Dempsey said, “I was completely shocked, and then I started laughing, like, this is a joke, right?” While People has certainly peaked in terms of relevance, so has their judgment. We used to get raunchy tidbits about the sex lives of celebrities; photos of waste…