Isaac... With a post like yours, which I read twice, just to be sure I absorbed your transformation, comes the urge to respond "in kind." I have two binders full of letters exchanged between my father and me when I was in my 30s and living in a 12x12 cabin in Montana... and he was in his 60s. The following is his voice...
I was paralyzed by your mother's scathing criticism and verbal abuse. I never learned how to play in that jungle. Marge's weaponry far outclassed mine. She had all the right instincts for survival, the rage, the frothing, the slap in the face. She wanted me to produce the abundance and splendor for which she believed she was born. Most of the time I was between a shit and a sweat.
My mother Alma told me point blank that if I left Portsmouth, she would disinherit me. I was chickenshit. I stayed. For twenty-two years, animosity ran rampant, with bad faith its constant companion. I became an alcoholic.
I am a product of middle-class values. Before I married Marge, my privileged world seemed warm and genuine. I believed in the world that had been manufactured by my mother Alma. I just received a long letter from Alma. It is dripping with honey-coated memories, all of them true. She wants her life to be remembered as the perfect effort. She will soon face her Maker, but she is not about to admit that she has ever been wrong. My mother Alma is a strong woman, the matriarch of the family, but she will never comprehend the extent to which her strength became diabolical. Nobody would have been good enough to be the wife of her son.
I am shocked and appalled at how our failures, Marge's and mine, have affected you. I never knew that our three kids were so tormented by our weaknesses. Please try to forgive us, if only for your own sake.
With your most recent letter, a burden has been lifted from Marge and me. You are going to make the climb out of the black hole. You are now able to admit, to yourself and to the world, that your swagger toward self-destruction was a wrong turn. From here on out, do what you feel is best, do it with care and consideration for yourself and for others, and do it with our blessing and our love. -Dad
I could never shot my dog. I do agree I prefer not to take them to be euthanized or have groups come do the whole show but I just couldn’t bring myself to kill one. I don’t say that with any hostility or anything because I guess I wish I could. It would be quick and private and independent. I love the idea of all that. I hate that we don’t do most things ourselves.
However, this doesn’t surprise me. You don’t become thoughtful and wise without surviving a tortured past. I suspect most who appreciate you bear similar scars. Thank you for including us.
We finally have a lot to look forward to; a new president and a second chance…. and maybe even a new puppy❣️
Appreciate the insight into what makes you vote differently from your old peers. That experience matches mine.
The suburban school-career-life pipeline broke down for me too around that age (due to my own mental illness, rather than my mother's). Like you, during that time I saw things about myself and society that I can't simply unsee. And there's no way I can explain these things to my old friends and family. I had not realized that this is likely the what defines our politics. (I assumed I simply read different news outlets.)
I have been surprised to see them take this election so personally. I've been out of their headspace for too long. But I have no interest in going back, and in immersing myself in that collective deception. It helps to hear that I'm not alone in this otherwise lonely experience.
Everything causes so much emotional turmoil for many people in the US. All my friends, family and associates are so emotionally charged about politics, society and most anything that isn’t in their mental path.
Count me as the 101st celebrant to your also politically isolated friends. Where I live is among the most intolerant people I've known, so I keep it to myself. Besides, my presence on Substack is business related and I stay clear of touchy matters, but your story is well written and I wanted to offer my moral support. Great to hear that your mother is doing better, mental breakdown of someone close is devastating. Best wishes to your going forward in life.
Surprisingly enough, there were no celebrations here in WY, the reddest state in the country. In a place where the local conclusion was foregone, we show up, vote, read about the results in the local paper the next day, and go to work. It's a different brand of lonely. We are at least 20 (if not 50) years behind the rest of the country culturally here, as we can't really afford to not get along with each other. 580,000 people in the whole state means we all have to work with each other to get things done. I even voted for a liberal for the local school board, because I know him well as a fellow church member as well as a long-time customer. He's a good Christian man and if I have a beef with him I can just tell him to his face.
Also, as weird as it sounds, I recommend putting your dog down yourself. The last time I did it, it was my MIL's dog. He couldn't walk anymore. My FIL dug the hole with his tractor, then we pushed the dog up into the loader bucket, rolled him off into the hole, petted him and talked to him for a minute, and then put a .22 round behind his ear and buried him. It was quick and personal and masculine and way, way better than the performative show your local vet will try to put on if you take your dog there. Plus cheaper.
Also, it would be interesting to know Isaac how many childhood friends you retain. I still keep in touch with several friends I know from elementary school, we might meet once a year, but these guys will accept pretty much any viewpoint with aplomb, with no loss of friendship. My long but deep swing from lefty to righty is testament to that. IMHO, it is the mark of a true friend that your political views don't really infringe on that kind of relationship.
It’s funny how people can’t comprehend being liberal and conservative. Like you do you. Just leave me alone. Almost being a libertarian without the weirdness. I get it. Though while I was center these past 16 years definitely pushed me to the right.
Jeebus. After reading this i feel that i know you. Victim mentality, feeling you deserve sympathy for your moms bipolar, lonely trump supporter. You’re just a liberal in search of attention. You probably are gay as well.
My sympathies. And I'm so glad you became honest. Welcome to the good guys, and good Americans. Some day, maybe you can try to explain the blindness of American Jews.
I’m 74 now and I’ve lived many lives in this one. I’ve been married many times and always for what I called love. Each time I adopted the new life not bringing much into the routines. It was their friends, family, conversations, celebrations, socialization etc. I was raised by very religious parents and we moved at least 5-6 times a year. I never made friends at school or actually had friends until high school and I had one friend. I thought I had such a terrible life and suffered lots of trauma but I was loved. As an adult I obviously didn’t understand how to manage a long term relationship but it was always good while it lasted. I just always had to move on. I married instead of dating. Now after 30 plus years of more stability I’m grateful for all the diverse difficulties, changes, loneliness, rebellious nature ( I never accepted religion or any separation between people beginning as soon as I could speak) all this made me a true change agent and gave me the ability to adapt easily and I did come to truly know myself. My point is, life is brilliant and usually for your higher good unless it’s too easy. Many people are unable to accept anything except their way, comfort, ideas, education and everything associated with a life without much disruption. While we want to give our children all the security and comfort as possible we don’t actually do them a favor. We need not suffer but we need to be prepared to adapt. We don’t do a very good job at equipping them with coping mechanisms.
Isaac... With a post like yours, which I read twice, just to be sure I absorbed your transformation, comes the urge to respond "in kind." I have two binders full of letters exchanged between my father and me when I was in my 30s and living in a 12x12 cabin in Montana... and he was in his 60s. The following is his voice...
I was paralyzed by your mother's scathing criticism and verbal abuse. I never learned how to play in that jungle. Marge's weaponry far outclassed mine. She had all the right instincts for survival, the rage, the frothing, the slap in the face. She wanted me to produce the abundance and splendor for which she believed she was born. Most of the time I was between a shit and a sweat.
My mother Alma told me point blank that if I left Portsmouth, she would disinherit me. I was chickenshit. I stayed. For twenty-two years, animosity ran rampant, with bad faith its constant companion. I became an alcoholic.
I am a product of middle-class values. Before I married Marge, my privileged world seemed warm and genuine. I believed in the world that had been manufactured by my mother Alma. I just received a long letter from Alma. It is dripping with honey-coated memories, all of them true. She wants her life to be remembered as the perfect effort. She will soon face her Maker, but she is not about to admit that she has ever been wrong. My mother Alma is a strong woman, the matriarch of the family, but she will never comprehend the extent to which her strength became diabolical. Nobody would have been good enough to be the wife of her son.
I am shocked and appalled at how our failures, Marge's and mine, have affected you. I never knew that our three kids were so tormented by our weaknesses. Please try to forgive us, if only for your own sake.
With your most recent letter, a burden has been lifted from Marge and me. You are going to make the climb out of the black hole. You are now able to admit, to yourself and to the world, that your swagger toward self-destruction was a wrong turn. From here on out, do what you feel is best, do it with care and consideration for yourself and for others, and do it with our blessing and our love. -Dad
I could never shot my dog. I do agree I prefer not to take them to be euthanized or have groups come do the whole show but I just couldn’t bring myself to kill one. I don’t say that with any hostility or anything because I guess I wish I could. It would be quick and private and independent. I love the idea of all that. I hate that we don’t do most things ourselves.
Great writing
Gosh Isaac. I’m sorry.
However, this doesn’t surprise me. You don’t become thoughtful and wise without surviving a tortured past. I suspect most who appreciate you bear similar scars. Thank you for including us.
We finally have a lot to look forward to; a new president and a second chance…. and maybe even a new puppy❣️
Sorry to hear about the dog, man. It may have been time but it's always hard to say goodbye to a good boy.
Appreciate the insight into what makes you vote differently from your old peers. That experience matches mine.
The suburban school-career-life pipeline broke down for me too around that age (due to my own mental illness, rather than my mother's). Like you, during that time I saw things about myself and society that I can't simply unsee. And there's no way I can explain these things to my old friends and family. I had not realized that this is likely the what defines our politics. (I assumed I simply read different news outlets.)
I have been surprised to see them take this election so personally. I've been out of their headspace for too long. But I have no interest in going back, and in immersing myself in that collective deception. It helps to hear that I'm not alone in this otherwise lonely experience.
Everything causes so much emotional turmoil for many people in the US. All my friends, family and associates are so emotionally charged about politics, society and most anything that isn’t in their mental path.
Count me as the 101st celebrant to your also politically isolated friends. Where I live is among the most intolerant people I've known, so I keep it to myself. Besides, my presence on Substack is business related and I stay clear of touchy matters, but your story is well written and I wanted to offer my moral support. Great to hear that your mother is doing better, mental breakdown of someone close is devastating. Best wishes to your going forward in life.
Surprisingly enough, there were no celebrations here in WY, the reddest state in the country. In a place where the local conclusion was foregone, we show up, vote, read about the results in the local paper the next day, and go to work. It's a different brand of lonely. We are at least 20 (if not 50) years behind the rest of the country culturally here, as we can't really afford to not get along with each other. 580,000 people in the whole state means we all have to work with each other to get things done. I even voted for a liberal for the local school board, because I know him well as a fellow church member as well as a long-time customer. He's a good Christian man and if I have a beef with him I can just tell him to his face.
Also, as weird as it sounds, I recommend putting your dog down yourself. The last time I did it, it was my MIL's dog. He couldn't walk anymore. My FIL dug the hole with his tractor, then we pushed the dog up into the loader bucket, rolled him off into the hole, petted him and talked to him for a minute, and then put a .22 round behind his ear and buried him. It was quick and personal and masculine and way, way better than the performative show your local vet will try to put on if you take your dog there. Plus cheaper.
Also, it would be interesting to know Isaac how many childhood friends you retain. I still keep in touch with several friends I know from elementary school, we might meet once a year, but these guys will accept pretty much any viewpoint with aplomb, with no loss of friendship. My long but deep swing from lefty to righty is testament to that. IMHO, it is the mark of a true friend that your political views don't really infringe on that kind of relationship.
Anyway, cheers and enjoy the Sabbath.
It’s funny how people can’t comprehend being liberal and conservative. Like you do you. Just leave me alone. Almost being a libertarian without the weirdness. I get it. Though while I was center these past 16 years definitely pushed me to the right.
That was a very moving piece. I can relate a lot.
Men are forged by hardship.
Jeebus. After reading this i feel that i know you. Victim mentality, feeling you deserve sympathy for your moms bipolar, lonely trump supporter. You’re just a liberal in search of attention. You probably are gay as well.
If ever in Raleigh, you have friends here.
My sympathies. And I'm so glad you became honest. Welcome to the good guys, and good Americans. Some day, maybe you can try to explain the blindness of American Jews.
I’m 74 now and I’ve lived many lives in this one. I’ve been married many times and always for what I called love. Each time I adopted the new life not bringing much into the routines. It was their friends, family, conversations, celebrations, socialization etc. I was raised by very religious parents and we moved at least 5-6 times a year. I never made friends at school or actually had friends until high school and I had one friend. I thought I had such a terrible life and suffered lots of trauma but I was loved. As an adult I obviously didn’t understand how to manage a long term relationship but it was always good while it lasted. I just always had to move on. I married instead of dating. Now after 30 plus years of more stability I’m grateful for all the diverse difficulties, changes, loneliness, rebellious nature ( I never accepted religion or any separation between people beginning as soon as I could speak) all this made me a true change agent and gave me the ability to adapt easily and I did come to truly know myself. My point is, life is brilliant and usually for your higher good unless it’s too easy. Many people are unable to accept anything except their way, comfort, ideas, education and everything associated with a life without much disruption. While we want to give our children all the security and comfort as possible we don’t actually do them a favor. We need not suffer but we need to be prepared to adapt. We don’t do a very good job at equipping them with coping mechanisms.